Bless my darling girl, Madge. She tries. And I love her for it.
I mean, you can’t knock her musical prowess, whether you like the majority of her output or not – I even love the American Life fuck-fest rap about soya coffee (vile) and not being a Jew or a God botherer. It was, like, y’know, ironic.
She’s an artist in this sense – a kind of revolutionary who isn’t afraid to take risks and a few gambles and more often than not, she comes up with the goods. In doing so, she has made herself an icon, and provided a legendary musical catalogue that is second to none. However, when it comes to the old moooovies, she’s... she's... she's box office poison, bless her 1990 pointy bra. I dunno why as I honestly think she can act. She can! Leave her alone. Desperately Seeking Susan, A League of Their Own, Dick Tracy, Dangerous Game (shite, but she’s ace in it) and let’s not forget Evita. (I’ll let you into a little secret here, I used to play Lament - the bit at the end when she’s about to slip of the dish - and practice the death scene. Sadly, I was about 26 at the time. Lordy!) She SHOULD have got the Oscar. She was ace. But on the flipside, she’s been part of a few turkeys, too…
Now, the thing is, I LIKE the turkeys better than the successes. Who’s that Girl (always troubled me that the title was bereft of a question mark. Bloody Yanks, etc…) is possibly one of my favourite ever films in the world. How funny is she in it? Swept Away wasn’t THAT a bad film – a little bit dull, I suppose, but nowhere near the family-killing car-crash that the media made it out to be (before they’d even seen it, damn them). Shangai Surprise was that bad it was tremendous and she looked lovely in it. And then there’s The Next Best Thing - fabulous, if only for the bit where she’s grabbing her baps, moaning about them becoming saggy and generally camping up. Oooh, and don’t forget her version of American Pie, which never fails to make me smile.
However, the best of all the turkeys, in my humble opinion, is Body of Evidence. Here we have Lord Madge playing Rebecca Carlson – a woman with a terrible hair cut on trial for murder (fancy!) who stands as both the accused (booo!) and exhibit A (yaaaay!) The question: did she shag her (rich) boyfriend to death? Her lawyer – played by Willem – ugly face, alleged big knob – Defoe hopes not – especially as she’s sexing him up to. The slag. Now, not only is a bit of a cumbersome courtroom drama and terribly lit throughout, but the characters are about as believable as my ex-boyfriend. Ie. Not very. In the end, nasty Rebecca (hiss!) gets shot and dies (yippee!) and it’s all a bit of a relief. Its brilliance lies in the sex scenes – where Rebecca (spit!) pours hot candle wax all over her lawyer-lovers (allegedly huge) love-sausage (bravo!) and then smashes a light bulb and has it off over the broken glass. Saucy! But best of all are some of the lines… I think they were going for high drama… but what they ended up with was pure comedy gold.
Hark at ‘em:
Michael Dulaney: Dad, can you really screw someone to death?
Frank Dulaney: No. Of course not. Besides you don't need to worry about that. Do you?
Michael Dulaney: No.
Frank Dulaney: Because you are one good-looking guy.
Frank Dulaney: Counsel for the Prosecution has already used this witness to establish the state of mind of the deceased. He opened the can, Your Honour.
Judge Burnham: And I do see worms crawling all around you, Mr. Garrett.
Robert Garrett: Dr. McCurdy. What would cocaine do to someone in Mr. Marsh's condition?
Dr. McCurdy: It would accelerate his heartbeat.
Robert Garrett: And if he were having sex while under the influence of such a stimulant?
Dr. McCurdy: It would be the same as shooting a loaded gun at him!
Frank Dulaney: It's not a crime to be a beautiful woman.
Robert Garrett: She is a beautiful woman. But when this trial is over, you will see her no differently than a gun, or a knife, or any other instrument used as a weapon. She's a killer! And the worst kind. A killer who disguised herself as a loving partner!
Frank Dulaney: It's not a crime to be a great lay!
But the best lines are reserved for the missus herself:
Rebecca Carlson: I fucked him! I fucked you! I fucked Frank! That’s what I do! IIIIIIIIIIIIII FUUUUUCK! And I made eight million dollars!
Rebecca Carlson: Have you ever seen animals make love, Frank? It’s INTENSE.
Well, that last line made me snort my Happy Shopper lemonade back into my glass, if memory serves me correctly. Oh, how I laughed! What was she thinking? I’d have looked at the script and possibly used it to wipe my backside on (as am eco-warrior type person and do not like waste…) Besides, watching animals bonk upsets me. It makes me feel a bit nauseous, to be perfectly honest. Ever since next door’s Labrador tried to rape my leg as a child, I’ve never been the same since.
Body of Evidence? What a load of (fantastic) shit!