Monday, 24 December 2007

Alternative Careers #1: Pop Star

PROS: I quite fancy it, you know. Call me Majohnna! Tap your foot and nod along enthusiastically as my latest hit single, Ayup Me Duck, is played on the radio for the ninth time in an hour whilst some velvet-voiced disc jockey champions my artistic genius. Sceam and mercilously chuck an assortment of underwear at me (make sure it's clean) whilst I hit notes that only dogs and children with special needs can hear in a sold out Wembley Stadium. Gasp with admiration as my album, The Adventures of Majohnna Red Pants spends its seventy third consecutive week at number one. Applaud as I humbly recieve the Brit award for Most-Ironic-Yet-Utterly-Profound-Cheesy-Singalong-Pop-Romps. Raise eyebrows and cover your children's eyes as I strike risque poses left, right and centre on primetime TV before the watershed. Weep with admiration as I spearhead some random charitable initiative, such as HELP A SPAZ week. Rush out and purchase my own personal clothing line that is exclusive to Primark. Blind yourself as you liberally spray your body with my fragrance, Eau de Toss Pot. Chortle, guffaw and snigger as I make a successful guest appearance on a high-profile comedy sketch programme and ask yourself if there is anything that I can't do.

Am overweight, in my thirties, always look tired and can't sing. Oh well, hasn't stopped Mariah-Banshee-Carey has it? I recently sang along to the radio whilst in the car with a chum. Her verdict? 'You make utterly ugly noises. It's like hearing a dog being punched in the arse.' Later on that night I tried to persuade myself that she was jealous as I indulged in a private sing along, but then the neighbours complained and now the council are on my back threatening ASBOs. How rude.

CHANCES: Tragically, none whatsoever. I am CLEARLY before my time. Pah!

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