Wednesday, 12 December 2007

Hari Kari Chrimbo...

Yo, ho, ho!

Do you know what? I think I'm over Christmas already... Personally, I am holding Wizzard and Slade entirely responsible for my lack of festive cheer... There I was in Primarni t'other week, rummaging around for bargain-priced undercrackers when the aural onslaught began. That scary bloke from Wizzard (y'know, the strange looking hippy who wears sunglasses in December? The long haired chap that you wouldn't leave your kids with?) Anyway, he screamed, 'It's Christmaaaaaaaaaaaas!' as I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday drew to its hideous conclusion. Then Slade piped up and started wishing everyone a merry Christmas before telling the world that 'everybody's having fun...' and I lost the will to live ON THE SPOT.

A slight yelp escaped as I melodramatically let my six-pairs-of-mustard-coloured-Y-fronts-for-25p fall to the floor. Clutching a heavy heart, I escaped to a Ronald McDonald's and consoled myself with a diet coke (no ice as I have very sensitive pearly whites.) Even there, the repugnance continued: all that Pariah Scary wants for Chrimble is me (she wishes, the fat cow), and John Lennon gave a fun-free delivery of Merry Christmas (War is Over). Then it all got too much for me and I passed out. (Okay, this bit isn't true but it sounds better than 'I got up, belched from the diet coke which was disappointingly flat and then sat in a traffic jam for what seemed like ten years before getting home and headbutting my wardrobe door repeatedly because I knew that it would feel nice was soon as I stopped...)

Anyway, onwards and upwards! My interest in life - you'll hopefully be heartened to hear - has been slightly rejuvenated by a) mince pies b) sherry (administered through the eye or as an enema) c) the fact that my housemate has not cottoned on to the fact that I am pilfering what she thinks is her unopened tin of Quality Street (fat bitch part II) d) Same Difference from X-Factor (sad state of affairs, but Rhydian reminds me of a grown up Chucky and Leon looks like he needs a bath) e) Industrial strength painkillers (marvellous when paired with the sherry), but still... ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. No wonder the suicide rate is so high during the festive season. It's all Cliff - come out of the closet already! - Richard's fault. Mistletoe and wine? I've told you, it's all about the SHERRY.

I may yet sue.

Anyway, MERRY CHRISTMAS! HAVE FUN! LOOK TO THE FUTURE NOW! IT'S ONLY JUST BEGUUUUUUUUUUUN!

*shoots self*

That is all.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

OI! Come on Scrooge, IIIIIIIIIT'S CHRIIIIIIIIISTMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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