Thursday, 11 December 2008

2008 in Review: The Wisdom of Doreen Corkhill

Once upon a time in 1987, I was 10 years old and addicted to Madonna, eating, terrible hair cuts and Brookside. In said (now-retired) soap opera there was a woman called Doreen Corkhill, who my Dad referred to as ‘Light Bulb Head’, such was the unfortunate shape of her bonce.

Above: A lightbulb
Below: Doreen Corkhill's noggin. Not to scale, etc.

Now then, during one cheerful episode, Light Bulb Head was going on about the family’s inability to pay the ‘leccy bill’ (or something equally drab) when she started talking about luck running in cycles of years – with one year being fab, and the next, crappy mcshitster. Fate economics made simple. As a ten year old, I took this particular pearl of wisdom to heart and, thinking about it, I suppose I still define each 365 day span in the same way. With this in mind 2008 has scored almost a perfect 10 on the Doreen scale.

The year didn’t get off to a great start, admittedly – I found myself suddenly single and very unemployed and without a proverbial pot to piss in. Much gloom and fed-up-ness ensued, where I imagined a future consisting of Findus Sad Loner Meals for one before finally being found defunct and semi mummified, on New Years Eve, by a neighbour who got sick of the funny smell coming through the walls. In terms of a career, I was a loss greater than Lehmann Brothers’ creditors. I just didn’t have a clue. After scouring the internet and registering with a cacophony of bored recruitment consultants, I found a job near to my house. That was the only good thing about it: whilst it paid the bills, it was bollocking awful. All awful, all of the time. The people who I sat next to were lovely and made it semi-durable, but my God, it bored me to the point where I would consider poking my eyes out, just to sex up the day. You know things are bad when you get rely on a sandwich van’s sweaty cheese rolls in cheap white bread as a daily highlight – especially when you have no intention of buying them…

I was supposed to be heading up a team of socially uncomfortable soap dodgers who smelt of grease and sponge cake but they hated me and I hated them. As a result, I would spend all day firing off emails demanding that they do their jobs rather than while away their working week on websites for people you wouldn’t leave your kids with. Outside of work, life was plodding along. It was okay, but that’s a state I’ve never wanted to settle for. I was bored and unfulfilled, so one day I got sick of myself and decided to become a holiday rep, as you do as you’re about to hit 32. One interview and a training course later, I found myself living and working in Mallorca. It was incredible. I had a fantastic six months… Even now I’m back, I can’t believe that I’ve done it – that I jacked it all in and went away and I’ve come back refreshed and everything’s fallen into place. I can’t believe how far life has come on in the last 12 months. Nothing seems impossible and life sparkles - 2009 is going to the same if I have anything to do with it, so sorry Doreen, take your crap, pessimistic theory and stick it where the lightbulbs don't shine.

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