1. When I put my iPOD on shuffle, the next ten artists are: Barbara Streisand, Madonna, Take That, Madonna, Madonna, George Michael, Dolly Parton, Hairspray Soundtrack, Boney M and erm, Madonna. Yes, I am a rubbish gay lord skidding alarmingly towards middle age. I’ll be plucking my eyebrows within a millimetre of my life and painting myself orange soon. Just you wait and see…
2. I eat a lot of salad but remain inexplicably two stones overweight. Such a riddle is potentially solved when my alcohol intake is taken into account. Bummer.
3. I believe that almost all of life’s ills can be blamed on Thatcher.
4. I have a very dark sense of humour. Some people call it sick. I hope they die. See, that was a dark joke. Er, tee hee?
5. I think my three least attractive qualties are: 1. The fact that my snoring can be measured on the richter scale, 2. As can my farting, which is constant, stinky and sometimes sinister – I once made my (now defunct) cat flee the room after once particularly troublesome bottom burp. And 3, my penchant for nose picking. I know it’s a socially criminal thing to do, but I like it.
6. Aged 31, I decided to leave the country on a whim. I stayed away for six months... Viva Espana!
7. I am finally in a loving relationship after a love life career that reads like a who’s who of Freaks, Fuckwits, Perverts and Losers – an Anthology. Mr Blokey is possibly the best thing that has ever happened to me and I love him that much, I could weep openly in the street. Fact. Had I not met him when I did, I would’ve most certainly converted to a militant lesbianism. I’ve already got the terrible haircut and Doctor Martins, so bring it on, bitches.
8. I am forever laughing inappropriately. I don’t mean it. I’m clearly hysterical. Slap me.
9. The first record I ever bought was There Must Be An Angel (Playing With My Heart) by the Eurythmics, I think I was eight at the time. My brother bought a Transformer at the same time, which I accidentally broke later that same day. He cried.
10. I am clumsy. Initially people find this endearing. Then when I break something that belongs to them, their enthusiasm for my cack-handedness wanes at an alarming rate. How fickle. The most expensive thing I have ever broken was a car belonging to work. I accidentally drove it straight into a lorry and wrote it off. And the lorry too. I was in Spain at the time and rather than apologise to the lorry driver, I got my words mixed up and told him I loved him. He – rather ungratefully – didn’t look too pleased.
11. I really fancy chocolate right now. I shall resist though.
12. My Dad still doesn’t know that I’m gay. I think he does know, deep down, but chooses to believe that I am a breeder instead. He must know. He’s not stupid. Not that I think I’m a raging homo (point one of this tirade notwithstanding…) but I’ve not mentioned having a girlfriend for at least ten years. And he’s fully aware of my unhealthy appreciation for Madonna and skin care routines.
13. Thirteen is one of my lucky numbers.
14. I honestly think that my family circumstances are worthy of a spot on the Jeremy Kyle show or a disabled parking badge at least. Or both. I do not like Jeremy Kyle though. He has one of those faces you’d get lots of pleasure from slapping, don’t you think?
15. Terry Wogan rules.
16. Pork Pie utterly disgusts me. If I was made Prime Minister, my first act of Parliament would be to ban it with immediate effect. My second act, if you’re interested, would be to bring back hanging for people who let their dogs shit in the street.
17. I was two months premature and ended up being born on the Virgo/Libra cusp, when really, I should be a Scorpio. Thus, I read all three astrological predictions and tend to favour the one that tells me I am going to get laid/win the lottery.
18. I keep going to see psychics in the hope that my Mam comes through. So far, she has been busy on her new astral plane. Fuck and bugger. Mother, psychics are expensive and keep telling me I have a bad back (which I don’t have). Hurry up!
19. I find it scary that so many of my friends have children. I still feel like one myself.
20. If I won the lottery, I can safely say that it would probably change me.
21. I think that Dettol is one of the nicest smells ever.
22. I tend to name inanimate objects. For instance, I have a plant called Jesus (am not religious, by the way) and a car called Nelly. My first car was called Madge, my second, Evita, my third Butch.
23. My first ever job after university was working in a theatre where everyone was gay and they thought I was straight so I got picked on. I also got mistaken for a rent boy on my way home way one night. Even though I’m not.
24. I am germ-phobic and have slight OCD. As a result, I don’t do door handles and feel uncomfortable around visible soap dodgers. I also count to eight lots in my head. I don’t know why, I just do.