Rape alarm. Check.
Taser gun. Check. Just in case rape alarm fails. You never can be too careful, etc.
Industrial strength hand sanitiser / Bleach. Check. It's not OCD, it's common sense.
Valium. Check. Procured from dodgydrugsthatwillprobablykillyou.com
Vodka. Check. To help wash down Valium. Procured from Lidl as am now forced to economise. Yum.
Sunglasses. Check. Yes, tis rude to stare at people less fortunate than self, but with sunglasses, they’ll never know. And it also prevents people from recognising me, see, so it’s win-win.
Pen. Check. As do not like using theirs because a) you don’t know who has used them and b) They are often chewed or have been coughed on and have reams of sellotape inexplicably wrapped round them which attracts hair and bogies. Not mine, I hasten to add.
Anti-boredom drug Eg. Suppository / Ecstacy / Miaow Miaow or similar. Check. For employees there. I’ve never met people so uninterested, despondent and jaded. Apart from my Dad, but he doesn’t count.
Coldsore cream. Check. Everyone in there seems to have one.
Bible. Check. So I can read the bit where Baby Jesus has a hissy fit and screams, WHY HAVE THOU FORSAKEN ME, PA? (or something along those lines) and feel empathetic and sage-like.
Please note, if you ever have to sign on and see someone who appears to be off their tits on drugs and booze, who also appears to be wearing sunglasses and is reading the Bible as he strokes his chin... do NOT say hello. If you do, you might get tasered. You have been warned.