Sunday, 27 June 2010

July? Already?!

Mother of Madge, can you believe that July begins next week? I can’t believe it… Well, I can, because, well, y’know, it’s almost July… Hasn’t it gone quick though? Only one short blog ago, it was April and – crash, bang wallop, etc – May and June go sprinting past quicker than you can say, ‘Ra-ra, ooh, la la! Gaga! Ooh, la, laaa!’ and we’re almost at the dawn of 2010’s seventh month. July. Seriously, I can’t believe it. The ticking of the insisting clock, etc…

So what’s been happening in the last couple of months?

1. I got a job! Hurrah! And I love it! Double hurrah! I’ve finally found what I want to do forever and ever, amen! Triple hurrah! And it’s close to home so no more commutes that make me want to stab self in face with a wooden chip fork that’s been wazzed on by vermin! Quadra hurrah! No more having to sign on! Penta (or whatever it is, am sure you get the picture) hurrah!

Am working with kids, which is brilliant, but they are very observant and quite ruthless with it. Sob. Example conversation:

Me: So everyone, you know what to do. Take a worksheet and colour it in. Are there any questions?
*Porky child thrusts hand skywards.*
Yes, child. What appears to be the problem.
Child: Are you fat or just chubby?
Me: What? *breathes in*
Child: Are you fat? Or just chubby?
Me: *wincing* Erm… Well… *apologetic tone* I suppose I’m a bit of both…
Child: And sir, why is one of your teeth yellow?
Me: Er… Who can spell liposuction?

2. I have had many conversations with my father, who remains on the cusp of madness. Any day now and the men in the white coats will be round with industrial strength drugs to keep him in a constant dreamy smooth state. Sounds quite appealing actually.

3. I have – for some strange reason – received lots of chain emails instructing me to forward said email on to everyone I know in order to receive a free iPod / car / highstreet voucher / multiple orgasm at the stroke of midnight whilst surrounded by tranny dwarves singing Simon and Garfunkel or similar. Such glorious promises come at a cost: failure to comply generally results in unsavoury threats where my unmentionables will drop off. Even though I know such threats are ridiculous I still find myself forwarding the email on, just in case. Needless to say, I am yet to receive my voucher for my iPod dwarf orgy type extravaganza, which is just as well, really.

3. I have re-read A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Housini. It’s epic. It’s fantastic. It breaks my heart every time. A masterpiece. If you haven’t read it, I insist that you do it now. Go on, then. If you do, you will receive a brand new 50 inch TV delivered by horny dwarves at the stroke of midnight. If you don’t, then you will wake up tomorrow with spots on your forehead that spells the word FLAPS. You may scoff, but do you really want to take the chance? DO YOU?

4. Eurovision came and went. Britain came last again. We were crap though, but not as crap as Germany who inexplicably won. The girl singing it sounded like I did the time I had caught nonovirus and ejected violently from every available orifice. It’s all political. Spit!

5. Britain’s Got Talent came and went. Although next year they should really consider changing the title to Britain’s Got Street Dancers and Ugly People Who Can Sing and a Lad Who Plays the Drums That Won’t Sod Off. I did quite like the dancing dog though. I don’t mind Simon Cowell so much, but Piers Morgan needs euthanizing and Frankie Boyle was on the money when he described Amanda Holden as, ‘having a face like haunted Tupperware.’ Cackle.

6. My beloved football team – Nottingham Forest – got to the play offs, where, true to form, they spectacularly capitulated and massively failed to gain promotion. As we conceded our third – and most horrific goal – there was a news flash to say that evil Tory bigot David Cameron had managed to persuade Nick Clegg to sell his soul and form a coalition government. It was a dark day in every sense. I voted LibDem only to watch them climb into bed and go bareback with the Tories. Needless to say, I shall NEVER vote for them again. EVER. Note to Vince Cable: get out now whilst you can. The rest of them can SHIT OFF.

7. The sun has had his hat on and I shouted hip, hip, hurrah. And then I got brown. And a gazebo!

8. My car tax – fascinatingly – came up for renewal. I always get six months at a time but I promised self that this year, I would get twelve as it means that I won’t have to renew in December. I failed. Come Chrimbo, if anyone finds themselves struggling to get me a present, then you could do worse than getting me twelve months car tax, for Nelly the Nissan. Cheers. Come all ye faithful, etc.

9. I won the lottery! Yes, me! Ten whole pounds. Ker-ching! And no, I won’t spend it all at once. I hope it doesn’t change me.

10. I meant to re-join the gym. But I haven’t got round to it yet. It’s too hot. I shall do it once England crash out of the World Cup. ie – tomorrow.

Anyway, enough about me, how are you?
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