Wednesday, 11 August 2010
Alternative Career #8: Presenter of The One Show...
Cons: The camera adds ten pounds AND it’s filmed in HD? So what you’re saying is, that not only will I look like a sweaty pavement cracker but every imperfection will be highlighted at the same time? I suppose I could get an industrial strength girdle, breathe in AND suck my cheeks in, but I might look like I’ve crapped my red pants and talking could be rendered a trifle tricky. Can we re-edit it before broadcast? I’m thinking Photoshop, I’m thinking long distance soft lenses, I’m thinking extremely kind lighting… I’m thinking hard core CGI… What do you mean it’s live? Is that wise? Is that even legal? It’s quite possible that I’ll jokingly call someone a ‘daft twat’ or a ‘silly fucker’ or pick my nose whilst Bill Oddie is going off on one or accidentally stamp on some protected wildlife that’s he brought it. Only in self defence your honour.
Chances: What do you mean, the vacancy has been filled by Christine Bleakley’s doppelganger? Oh well, it’d never have worked anyway – it clashes with Emmerdale on the other side. Puh.