Wednesday, 11 August 2010

Alternative Career #8: Presenter of The One Show...

Pros: I can smell the envy now. What hours will you be working, people will ask when I tell them that I’ve just filled the vacancy on BBC1’s magazine show. Oh, I’ll say a little too casually, trying not to appear too smug, but probably failing. I start at seven and I’m out by seven thirty – all for about £5 million smackeroonies a year. People will gasp. I will nod sagely at them. And what will you be doing, they’ll say, choking on their choccy Hob Nob. Hmmm, it’s quite a demanding role, I’ll try and say without laughing in their face. I sit there, introduce my co-host, talk about random things that don’t seem to gel, but are jarringly in the public interest anyway. One second I’ll be looking dementedly serious whilst lamenting the latest natural disaster to wipe out half a million people. The next thing you know, I’ll be talking about the relative merits of own brand kitchen towels before accidentally dropping in a double-entendre and giving a cheeky wink to the camera. Then I’ll interview some animal owner about their pet gerbil collection and laugh as one of the animals craps on a credit expert that we’ve got in to tell us how to stick it to the bank. Ooh, and just think, I’ll get to ‘work’ with Jason Manford. I might even ask if I can re-record the theme tune. I know all the words and everything.

Cons: The camera adds ten pounds AND it’s filmed in HD? So what you’re saying is, that not only will I look like a sweaty pavement cracker but every imperfection will be highlighted at the same time? I suppose I could get an industrial strength girdle, breathe in AND suck my cheeks in, but I might look like I’ve crapped my red pants and talking could be rendered a trifle tricky. Can we re-edit it before broadcast? I’m thinking Photoshop, I’m thinking long distance soft lenses, I’m thinking extremely kind lighting… I’m thinking hard core CGI… What do you mean it’s live? Is that wise? Is that even legal? It’s quite possible that I’ll jokingly call someone a ‘daft twat’ or a ‘silly fucker’ or pick my nose whilst Bill Oddie is going off on one or accidentally stamp on some protected wildlife that’s he brought it. Only in self defence your honour.

Chances: What do you mean, the vacancy has been filled by Christine Bleakley’s doppelganger? Oh well, it’d never have worked anyway – it clashes with Emmerdale on the other side. Puh.

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