Blinking flip! I've not written a blog for a while, have I? Naughty me, etc. Been really rather busy with the new job and when I've not been working, I've been at the gym, which has proved a pointless exercise as I am still irritatingly over weight. And when I've not been bingeing and sticking my fingers down my throat, I've been cracking tasteless jokes. And then there was my birthday when I hit the grand old age of 29 years and 60 months. And when I wasn't doing that I was probably watching the TV. So, in order to reacquaint myself with you, I thought I'd blog the answers to one of those questionnaires that occasionally does the rounds via email/social networking weapon of choice/carrier pigeon.
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Fascinatingly, yes. My father and I share EXACTLY the same name, which infuriated me as a child. To be honest, I’m still secretly bitter that I was named JOHN because: a) it’s boring – if it was a colour, it would be beige. b) John is American for toilet. c) This meant that my Dad could legitimately open all my mail as a child. Even though I never got any. Still, on the bright side, at least I’m not called Derek. Or Gary. Or Moonbeam.
2. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Yes. I write like a girl, apparently. All neat and swirly. And gay.
3. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
No. Thankfully I’m barren. Like Sharon from EastEnders.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
What sort of a fucking question is that? What next, ‘What’s your favourite hymn to secretly frig to?’
5. WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE HYMN TO SECRETLY FRIG TO?
Oh… Erm, either, ‘Make Me a Channel of your Peace’ (Old Dirty Bastard remix) or I Breathe Again by Adam Ricketts. Even though he’s a Tory.
6. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Ben and Jerry’s Fish Food. I can inhale a whole tub of it in about six minutes. Cheerio arteries. Hello male gurdle. (Seven pounds from Asda, if you’re wondering. Cackle!)
7. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Teeth. I can’t abide poor oral health. It sickens me and makes me feel violent.
8. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
My nostrils and the fact that I can sleep for twelve hours and still look tired. And the fact that when I am tired I become intolerant of the human race, like now. So fucking fuck off.
9. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Come Dine With Me is on in the background. There’s a really annoying fat man who I hope chokes on the swill he’s just served up. Yes, that's right, I'm still tired.
10. WHAT COLOUR TROUSERS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
I’m actually wearing some luminous orange pants and odd socks. And that’s it. It’s okay, I’m at home on the sofa, not out at a seedy fetish club for chubby chasing perverts. Not yet anyway. Boom! Boom!
11. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
A heavy breathing old pervert. Just kidding, Dad.
12. HAIR COLOR?
Brown. Although when I was university, approximately 97 years ago, I saw fit to dye it as it was cheaper than getting it cut. All attempts were unmitigated disasters: Blonde – I looked like a cross between Sick Boy out of Trainspotting and Russ Abbot. Black – I looked like a grave digger on acid. Purple: I looked like circumcised penis. In the end, the cost to my dignity rendered my frugality as a false economy and took myself off to Super Cuts where the hairdresser asked me if the purple glow radiating from my bonce was natural. I said yes.
13. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Abba. Much better than both of them put together. I’ve never quite ‘got’ The Beatles or the Stones and have to weather the storm of other peoples’ spittle and venom when I wearily say that I think they’re overrated. If I had to choose, I’d probably say The Beatles as I quite like Hey Jude and I am the Walrus, but every time I see Paul McCartney waving his veggie burgers I feel pleasantly murderous.
14. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
You should see my big toes. They’re really something.
15. FAVOURITE SAYINGS?
‘Frig off! And wash your bastard nets you scruffy cow.’ From East is East. I almost perforated my bowel laughing watching that film. Bravo, etc.