Thursday, 16 August 2012

Online Dating Decoded...

What he says he looks like...

You have to be careful when you attempt to date people via the internet. Since becoming single (yes, I'm still harping on about it, I'll get over it soon, I promise), I've extended my social circle via the web. There's Gaydar, Growlr, Scruff and Grindr (all of which are as beautiful as they sound). It's no secret that I'm a magnet for all things FREAKSHOW, so there has to be a systematic decoding of a profile before any interaction of any sort can take place. Colour me cynical (you wouldn't be the first) but it goes a little something like this:

What he really looks like...
1. The photo. Assume that the photo was taken ten years ago. Assume that it was flattering then. Assume that during this time, gravity has not been kind and that they have put on a stone for every year that has passed. Assume that the hair has vanished. Assume that they have either lost their teeth or neglected to brush them. To assume is not to make an ass out of you and me, it's simply good sense. Believe me. That way, when Tom Hardy's lookalike is nowhere to be seen, yet Sloth out of the Goonies approaches you wearing a shirt caked in egg, you won't be surprised. Or disappointed. If there is no photo, then do not respond. In fact, delete your account immediately and change your own identity. Same goes for if they have a photo with an obscured     face. It can't be good, can it? 

2. The finer details.
  • Age. When they say 29, double it or at least add a decade. Then add a few more years. Bingo! Hopefully, you're into Daddies. 
  • Looking for fun. Fun means a shag. That is ALL it means. You will be expected to put out without a moments hesitation.
  • Preference: Bi. Yeah, yeah, we've all been there. Bi now, gay later, I geddit. Or they're married with kids. He'll never leave her, y'know. Ever.
  • Discreet / NSA. No strings attached? They've probably got a boyfriend, or possibly a wife. What they're looking for is a quick drink in a part of town where they won't be recognised, before going back to yours, having a shag, wiping their unmentionables on the curtain before giving you a fake number and running out of the door, leaving you to feel like Madonna in the masterpiece that is the Bad Girl video (ie. a self loathing slag.)
  • Rugby build = fat. Although I do this, so I can't really complain. In my defence, I do add that I have less of a six pack and more of a family pack, in the faintly tragic hope that a fit chubby chaser will take pity.
  • Cuddly. See above.
  • Bubbly. Fat and irritating. I too am perhaps best described as Bubbly. Tee! Hee! *blows raspberry*
  • Straight Acting. Frowns a lot whilst ordering pints. Secret obsessive Kylie loon. Will invariably refer to you in any messages as 'fella' or 'm8'. Very butch.
  • Creative. Pathological liar with poor decorative taste.
  • Likes nights in on the sofa with a DVD. Either broke, boring or really into porn. Hopefully the latter, unless they're one of the NSA types. 
  • Social smoker. On 20 a day. 
  • Occasional drinker. Raging alcoholic. 
  • Masculine. Hairy with penchant for belching/farting/pissing on the toilet seat.
  • Religious views: Spirtual. Simply stated, a wanker. 
  • Can't accommodate. Yeah, because the wife won't like it.
  • Always horny. Really? Sure about that? Even when walking around Lidl? Even when you're crammed into the tube with a sweaty pit crammed in your face? Really? You need to see someone about that. 
  • Chem fun. I think this is drugs reference, but am not sure if it involves mainlining hardcore drugs or just a beechams enema. Either way, back away slowly...
  • Got a fantastic partner, so just on here for mates. Yeah, of course you are. Lesbian bed-death is not just confined to lesbians.
3. Messaging - a few things to consider:

When they say, 'What R U lookin' 4?', it is advisable not to respond with: 'Someone who has a basic command of grammar' / 'The remote control - have you seen it?'  'Prince? Is that you?' or some other pithy witticism. Said person will not find you funny nor endearing. They will think you are bubbly. They may also think that you're a twat and will block you. The appropriate response to this question is simply, 'men and sex' but then you might end up feeling like Madonna's Bad Girl again. She was drunk by six, kissing some kind stranger's lips. Doesn't sound too bad when you put it like that, does it?

Rather than message you with words, some will just send you a picture of their bits. Probably best avoided, especially if the element of surprise appeals to you. I recently got a picture of a bloke with no clothes on standing in front of a Dolly Parton poster. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, so I did both. Then blocked him.

When someone asks, 'You got anymore pics?' it means that they invariably want to see you without a stitch on. Top tip: use an Instagram filter. Or Photoshop.

You will possibly get requests to have sex without said person even offering their name. Make of that what you will. 

Some people will say somewhere on their profile that, 'this site keeps losing messages.' It is a kind way of saying that if your messages go unanswered, they think you ming hard and don't want to hurt your feelings by turning you down so will just ignore you until you get the hint.

4. Summary: Am sure that there are some decent blokes on there / out there, but it strikes me that it's a bit like TKMaxx - loads and loads of stuff, but you have to spend an eternity wading through the shit to find them. 

*rummages*

Thursday, 3 May 2012

Poetry Corner: Bin Liners

My life lays before me in eight black bin liners.
A depressingly paltry haul when you consider my experience:
Thirty five years,
Three relationships,
Numerous homes, innumerable jobs,
A dysfunctional family,
A father who hoards -
What would he say?

And yet, there's no place for my lifetimes possessions.
Hilariously, it will fit into pilfered crisp boxes
Permanently borrowed from the local shop.
Photos, well-thumbed books, utensils I've never utilised,
Meaningless keep-sakes I can't bring myself to throw away,
CDs - long since played - and a stereo I don't want any more.
Soon to gather dust in a dark corner
Of someone else's loft.