Thursday, 19 September 2013

My Life According to Google...

1: Type in "[your first name] NEEDS" in the Google search: 
JOHNNY NEEDS 13 BOTTLES OF WATER.
Do I? I'm all up for casual rehydration but 13 bottles of water seems a bit extreme. I'll be up all night wee-weeing. Can't you die by drinking too much water or is that an urban myth? I'd much prefer 13 bottles of San Miguel. Or wine. It's getting cold outside, which means red wine.13 bottles of the stuff. 13? Lucky for me.

2: Type in "[your first name] LOOKS LIKE" 
JOHNNY LOOKS LIKE YOUR PET.
Rude. I've taken some insults in my time, but never from a search engine. I'm told that I look like him out of Man V Food (also rude) and Peter Kay (rude and depressing, much as I love him.) 

3: Type in "[your first name] HATES" 
JOHNNY HATES JAZZ.
Somewhat true. I can't be doing with the messy and dischordant vocal gymnastics of someone going, 'dooobe dooobe do, skooodabip bolly booop cloofy ramadan-ading dong' whilst someone clatters about in the background as though they're taking a bad mood out on kitchen utensils. It's just noisy. And fucking awful.

4: Type in "[your first name] GOES" 
JOHNNY GOES NUTS.
Why? Is someone playing jazz? Pass me that wooden spoon and milk pan. I'm going in.

5: Type in "[your first name] LOVES" 
JOHNNY LOVES HIS DADDY.
That I do. And I'm not talking about my biological father. Although I do love him, in an entirely appropriate way.

6: Type in "[your first name] EATS" 
JOHNNY EATS A WHOLE RAW POTATO.
In all fairness. this coheres with my culinary prowess. Can't cook, won't cook. Will eat a whole raw potato. Think of the vitamin C.

7: Type in "[your first name] HAS" 
JOHNNY HAS A LONG MOUSTACHE.
Coming to a seventies porno near you. Probably. Das ist fantastiche bebe! Ich liebe mine Daddy, etc. *splat*

8: Type in "[your first name] WORKS" 
JOHNNY WORKS ON THE DOCKS.
Every boy loves a sailor. Don't they? Actually I don't. I once went on a sailing trip with school. We were taken by a teacher who looked like an alcoholic Captain Birds Eye and carried with him the whiff of mildew and second hand Benson and Hedges cigarettes. His entirely appropriate nick name was 'Fungi.' My bestie mate spent the week vomiting in the toilet whilst I peeled potatoes for dinner. Which I probably served whole and raw. Mmmm, delicious. Fungi was a bad tempered old fucker. He spent all day being moody (probably on account of being forced fed uncooked spuds) and would leave us unattended (we were 12) of an evening whilst he took the dinghy ashore and got pissed. Meanwhile, we found his secret stash of dark rum, which we drank and then replaced with black tea. That'll learn him, etc.

9: Type in"[your first name] LIVES" 
JOHNNY LIVES IN A PARKING LOT.
Come round and see me sometime. I've got lots of space. Bring a bottle. We'll make a fire and sing songs. Or make jazz records. 

10: Type in "[your first name] DIED" 
JOHNNY DIED AT CHRISTMAS.
Not surprising. It does my head in. All that hum-drum faux-pleasantry and binge drinking. It was probably that last sausage roll and game of charades that finished me off.

11: Type in "[your first name] DOES" 
JOHNNY DOES NOT LIVE HERE ANYMORE.
That's right, I moved to a lovely car park off the A41. I'm not a dogger. Honest. Like, woof.

12: Type in "[your first name] WILL" 
JOHNNY WILL HAVE A NEW MASTER.
And his name is DADDY. 

13: Type in "[your first name] CAN" 
JOHNNY CAN HEAR GARFIELD.
Which means I've either got Dr Doolittle tendencies or am slightly schizophrenic. Either way, please send the relevant drugs. And cat litter.

14. Type in "[your first name] PLAYS" 
JOHNNY PLAYS THE FIDDLE.
Beats jazz, I suppose. 

15. Type in "[your first name] DRIVES" 
JOHNNY DRIVES 16KM DIRECTLY WEST.
Because that's where my car park home is. Come on over to my place. Hey you, we're having a wimpy. Etc.

16. Type in "[your first name] FEELS" 
JOHNNY FEELS BETRAYED!
Has Daddy been cheating? The dirty old bastard! I'm leaving! I'll find a new fucking car park. That'll learn you. 

17. Type in "[your first name] SMELLS"
JOHNNY SMELLS GOOD.
Like, duh. I always smell lovely. I pride myself on it. Fresh and fragrant, people.

18. Type in "[your first name] IS"
JOHNNY IS THE BOY FOR ME.
Too late, Daddy. You had your chance. You blew it. 

19. Type in "[your first name] KILLS"
JOHNNY KILLS HIMSELF.
Obviously I took Daddy's cheating very hard. RIP. Hang on, didn't I just top myself at Chrimbo? Yo, ho, ho! *croak*

20. Type in "[your first name] SEES"
JOHNNY SEES GOD.
I saw her at Hyde Park last year on her MDNA tour. She was ever so good.:-) 

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